Poetry-Lovers Beware

     Do I love writing?  Yes, 100 percent.  But I don't like every single type of writing there is out there.  I especially hate poetry.  Ooh, poetry.  Reading it?  Don't like it.  Listening to it?  Whatever.  Writing it?  I'd rather be stabbed in the ankles repeatedly.  With a fork.
     See, the thing is, I don't like being restricted when I'm writing.  I love grammar and spelling, but I don't like rules of how to write.  Like in poetry.  You have rhyming, rhythm, stanzas, and all that other garbage you have to focus on.  No thank you.  I'm also really, really bad at coming up with clever rhymes.  Like, I can write "I see my crazy, psychotic cat, who's puking her guts out like that."  But so can a first-grader.  Do you know how long it would take me to come up with a clever rhyme like "surely that is something at my window lattice/Let me see, then, what thereat is".  Trick question: I wouldn't.
     I'm also really bad at being all deep and thoughtful and metaphorical and all that other nonsense (for example, my cat poem from above).  I mean, there is no way I could write anything (on purpose, anyway), that would be revered by generations of poetry-lovers who recite my words with far-off looks and misty eyes, voices trembling with the sheer astonishment of the soul-stirring words poured from my deranged or depressed mind.
     I didn't used to mind poetry.  In fact, I used to kind of like it.  But then sixth grade happened, where we did an entire poetry unit.  And as I studied all sorts of different types of poems, I realized that poetry was way more complicated than "Roses are red, violets are blue," and I came to realize that poetry sometimes (emphasis on sometimes) doesn't sound particularly intelligent.
     Going into junior high, I realized I really, really, really did not like poetry.  In seventh grade, we read a novel that was written more like poetry than prose, but not exactly poetry.  It was more the rhythm than the rhyme, and the deep, metaphorical thinking was definitely prevalent.  I wanted to toss the book across the room every time we read it.  Eighth grade was the last straw, where I realized that I absolutely hate writing poetry.
     My biggest thing with poetry is, if you want to say something, just say it.  It's so easy to do!  My point of this blog post is coming across fairly bluntly, isn't it?  Imagine if I wrote this in poetry form.
The words that flow from my fingers
Will never stay, never linger.
They simply fly away from me
In thoughts of deepest poetry.

But why, I ask, why poetry?
Why can't my thoughts work naturally?
Why must my words be held in rhyme?
Why must my lines stick to their time?

I cannot bear to read such words.
My writing talent's for the birds.
I do not feel the stirring flame
When each stanza looks quite the same.

There's nothing more for me to say.
The weight feels heavy every day
Of all the lies my pencils write
In poetry, deep in the night.

     See?  You only understand what I'm saying because you've been reading the first part!  Don't believe me?  Let's say I was a famous poet, and this was my most famous poem, memorized with "The Raven" and "The Road Not Taken".  Your English teacher, during your poetry unit, would have everyone read this, then say something like, "Now, poetry is very rarely literal.  Because of this, we can't just assume that Odessa feels despair when writing poetry.  I want you all to look at each stanza of this poem and write your interpretation of each one and what you think Odessa's trying to say."  Yeah, that's what I thought.

     I am very, very much a prose person.  Give me a novel any day (but not one that's written like poetry, jerk).  I'd rather write an essay than write poetry, and I'd certainly rather read one.  You can say things outright in an essay, or at least put it bluntly enough that you don't have to stare into space and question the universe to find the meaning of your essay.

     And the worst type of poetry is diamante.  Diamante poems are possibly the most stupid writing idea I've ever had the misfortune of beholding and being forced to write.  "Here, take random words and arrange them in an aesthetically pleasing way."

salt

                                                         white                             crystal-like

             falls                                                            flavors                                          enhances

shaker                                 rock                                                        grinder                                      spray

             sneezes                                                      spices                                           crushes

                                                         black                             fiery

                                                                               pepper

     Look.  Look at it.  What can you possibly find impressive about that?  What is so great about it?  WHY DOES ANYONE CARE IF YOU CAN WRITE A POEM IN THE SHAPE OF A DIAMOND?!?!?!

     Haikus are another random one.  Who the heck created those?  And more importantly, why?  (And I don't need any smart-alecky comments, thank you very much!)

     Okay, rant over.  Thanks for your patience.  Sorry if I offended anyone...not really.

     I hope your day is as awesome as you.