Essay Sarcasm 101

     I've always been fully aware of my rather sarcastic nature, especially since starting junior high.  It's just the way my sense of humor works, in speaking, writing, and thoughts.  It's just what I do.  Which is probably part of the reason I can't stand writing certain essays.  How on earth do you sound sarcastic in an essay you can't use first or second person in?  Well, be prepared to learn.
     First thing to remember is that sarcasm is like a liquid: it takes the shape of whatever container it's in.  Also like a liquid, if it freezes, it can break things.  DON'T BE COLD.  Someone's feelings are much more important than whatever you think is funny.  Finally, sarcasm can leak into things...like a liquid.
     How does all that apply to boring school essays?  First, let's start off with the shape of sarcasm.  As I mentioned, it takes the shape of whatever container it's in.  Sometimes, we get drawn into this idea that there is only one type of sarcasm: the bullying kind.  While this is certainly prevalent, it is not exclusive.  If you're plotting along, writing your essay, and have that urge to say something sarcastic?  It won't look like this: As we can see from Salinger's rhetoric strategies, sensory details help to achieve the effect of the story.  Wow, Salinger really must've been an amazing person.  His sense of fashion must have been with the times.
     If that's how you plan on infusing sarcasm into your essays, you're going to get an F on your essay and an F on your sarcasm.  Nice try.
     Instead, you'd probably do something like this: As we can see from Salinger's rhetoric strategies, sensory details help to achieve the effect of the story, because rhetoric strategies are the most important part of writing a story, obviously.
     See?  You infuse your sarcastic opinion into your essay while still maintaining your smooth writing flow.  Nothing is interrupted, nothing feels forced or awkwardly placed, and you can make your statement without referring to yourself.
     As previously mentioned, sarcasm can be used destructively and rudely.  Whatever you do, don't use your sarcasm to viciously attack another human being.  With the example above, I simply made a statement on rhetoric strategies and their use in literature, not on the author himself.  If you have a bone to pick with someone, don't do it sarcastically, and don't do it in an essay, or you're going to get an F on your essay and an F on your sarcasm.  Thanks for playing.
     Finally, there are some times when sarcasm might not be extremely appropriate.  For example, there's a difference between writing an essay for your English class and writing an essay for your end-of-year exams.  You can't exactly start bashing on writing strategies or stories while doing your exam.  I mean, you could, but it's not entirely wise.  Just let the sarcasm leak through.  Unlike speaking, sarcasm isn't inherently obvious in writing.  Compare and contrast the following exam essay examples:
     Fitzgerald makes clear social statements in his writing, which is so fascinating because it's definitely not done in a way that's annoying, and he absolutely comes right out when he says stuff and doesn't leave you hanging around, waiting for him to flat out say that freaking Gatsby died.
     Fitzgerald makes clear social statements in his writing, such as when he uses his vacuous characters to fill the blank spaces in the story and allows for the characters' actions to be implicit rather than explicit, adding a tenterhook feeling to an already emotionally-demanding story.
     In the first example, it's extremely obvious that I don't like the story of The Great Gatsby, which may not get me on good terms with whoever grades it.  In the second one, however, I'm essentially saying the exact same thing without sounding angry.  The reader probably won't understand my negative feelings unless they're looking really deeply at my essay.
     You write really well, no one gets mad at you, you pass the class.  Thumbs up.
     Well, I hope that was illuminating for you all.
     I hope your day is as awesome as you.