Have Another Laugh

     As it's the end of the semester, I've once again compiled the funniest quotes from my classes to share with you all.  Enjoy.  Or don't, it's up to you.

English
Professor: It's like beating a dead dog.
Student, clearly horrified: It's a horse!  A dead horse!

Student 1: I became an aunt.
Student 2: A Canadian?
Student 1: An aunt.
*Student 2 still looks confused*
Student 1: Like, my sister had a baby.
Student 2: Oh, an aunt.  I thought you meant the insect and I was like, "All right, Ant-Woman."

Professor: Make sure you tell them what they need to fix, otherwise you're lying.
Student, wisely: And lying's a felony.

Math
Professor: Do you guys go on dates?  Well, probably not.

Professor: I should've erased all the trig stuff from the board, it's kind of threatening.

Professor: What in heaven's name would make you want to be a mortician?

Humanities
Student: I got a magic kit when I was twelve, and my parents were like, "I don't know, Satan maybe?"

Student: Undisputed.
Professor: Can you elaborate on that?
Student: No.

Professor: It's hard to impressionate.  Impressionate?

*a student played her flute for us*
Professor: Can you play contemporary music?  Can you play "Thunderstruck" by ACDC?
Student: Why not?
*Professor looks at me with a mixture of amusement and concern*

*student grabs a cookie*
Professor: You took one of mine!  And he pranced.

Psychology (my personal favorite)
Professor: I'm five foot six, which is average...for American women.

Professor: June suckers are ugly as sin.

*The volume was all whacked, but he got it figured out.*
Professor: Well, it's working, but it's at 900 percent, which means that when it fixes itself, it's going to kill all of you.

Professor: Spicy's not a flavor.  Spicy's a pain.  I have to put pain on all my food.

Professor: You never want to just Google homunculus.
(He was right, please don't.)

Student: Did you always hate pandas?
Professor: No.  I was drinking the Kool-Aid with everybody else.

Professor: Have any of you seen the new Aladdin yet?
Student: Don't spoil it!
Professor: Spoil what?!  That's like if another Titanic movie came out and you told someone not to spoil it!  In what universe would they not end up together?!

Professor: I don't hate myself enough to exercise.

*student asks what promiscuity means*
Professor: That's "get up in your club and whatever with your whatever."

     All right, well, I hope that wasn't a total waste of your time.  Fare thee well, my friends.
     "So count your blessings every day.  It makes the monsters go away.  And everything will be okay.
     "You are not alone.  You are right at home.  Goodnight."