A Catharsis

     I think I'm going to be okay.  I'm going to put that out there right now.
     You remember me telling you about Drew?  He's gotten worse.  Read his dad's blog (jeffreyolsen.com) if you're interested because I honestly do not have the heart to share it any more than I already have.  Don't worry, he's still alive.
     The weird thing is, I feel more at peace than I did three weeks ago.  Like, I'll hear about a new development, and I just kind of shrug it off and say, "Eh.  He's going to be fine."  I don't know if I've just convinced myself, or if my brain is physically preventing me from thinking otherwise, or if it's really God's assurance.
     But I almost don't want to feel so casual about it.  It seems almost disrespectful in a way to just brush off his medical condition and say that, "Well, he's going to be okay."  And I'm not saying I'm not worried about him--I definitely am--but it's kind of been pushed to the back of my mind now, and I feel like that's not right.  I care about Drew.  For a couple weeks, worry for him filled almost every waking thought.  Now?  I think about him a lot, but I can also focus on other things too.
     But see, when I say it that way, it sounds like it's totally okay for me to have backed off a bit and be a little more chill about it.  I mean, I still want to cry every time I hear/see an update, but I don't just start crying out of nowhere.  I don't know, I just really don't know.  I want to be as worried as I was, but I also don't want it to consume me anymore either.  I'm so confused.
     Then, while trying to gather these thoughts, I opened my email and saw one from a survey website with the subject, "Don't be silenced, tell us what you really think."  And out of nowhere, every ounce of me exploded.  I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to laugh, I wanted to run away, I wanted to pound my fists into the floor, I wanted to kick, I wanted to pray, I wanted to just get away.  But most of all, I wanted to write.  So I did.
     And for another second, I thought I was about to start ranting to God, asking why He would allow something like this to happen to someone I care about so much.  I thought I was about to let every selfish thought within me burst out just to make me feel better.  I thought I was ready to cry and blame God for not caring and angrily try to confront Him.  And I almost wanted to.
     But I couldn't.
     The thoughts formed.  I felt almost like something was telling me, "This is what you should be saying.  You're grieving.  It doesn't matter what you say right now."  But that's not true.  That is very much not true.
     The fact that I'm grieving and in pain and hurting and frustrated and scared makes everything I say and do matter.  Everything.  These are the very moments that will define me later in life.  When trials occur, do I lash out at God, or do I come to Him earnestly, praying with everything I have for His comfort and peace and protection and healing?
     And besides, this isn't about me.  Not one bit.  There are plenty of other people out there who are even more concerned and in pain than I will ever be for Drew, no matter how close we've become.  He has his family, friends he's had for years, ward members, a girlfriend.  It would be unfair for me to ask God, "Why are You doing this to me?  Why would it even occur to You to come this close to taking him away from me?"  That's not how this works at all.
     I've seen firsthand that this is affecting people all over, and not even people who know Drew.  There are so many people who are learning from this experience.  I just happen to be one of them.
     So, while my mind was filled with a pretend red-hot rage, trying to be angry at God because that seems to be what everyone does when things like this happen, the rest of me put out the fire that never existed.  I asked the questions aimlessly, and I answered them myself in the most matter-of-fact tone I could ever imagine.  (The Holy Ghost will bring all things to your remembrance--keep that in mind, readers.)
     Why would God do this?  I can't give specifics, but we aren't placed on this earth to live lives of sunshine and gold.  There has to be gloom and dirt mixed in there so that we can learn and grow and develop and come to rely on our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ.
     Why is this happening to Drew?  I don't think it was random.  I don't think God looked down and saw Drew and thought, "Okay, let's give him FIRES."  And He definitely didn't look at me and think, "All right, let's put her friend in the hospital."  He has a bigger plan than that.  I know that for certain.  As previously stated, we have to suffer through things in this life.  And maybe he's not even the one to learn from it.  Like I said, this is affecting a whole lot of people.
     Yes, my heart aches for Drew.  Yes, I am terrified that he's going to die.
     And no, I am not happy about it.
     But, I am happy.  I have a knowledge of God's eternal plan for us, and I know that Drew's family has that same knowledge and those same blessings.  Because of this, I firmly believe that he's going to be all right, no matter the outcome.  And you may think whatever you'd like--that I'm kidding myself, that I'm only fantasizing, that I'm willing to believe anything that's good news.
     Well, I'd rather live believing that there is more to this life than what's here than live with the acceptance that everything happens by chance and contributes to absolutely no outcome.
     And even if it wasn't meant for me, I know that I have learned more than I could have ever imagined through this experience.
     Just get better, Drew.
     I hope your day is as awesome as you.